Today Was a Hard Day

Today was a hard day. January 7, 2015 was my very first due date. But it wasn't much harder than all of the other days since that day in June. I thought the pain would completely go away when we got pregnant again, but it didn't. I bonded with and miss that first baby so terribly much. We're so excited for the baby coming, but this baby doesn't replace that baby. And it won't. I cried for a bit this morning and then I walked out to the living room and instantly spotted one of the biggest blessings that came from suffering a miscarriage. On my counter and on my piano are a plant and a Willow Tree statue. And I couldn't be sad anymore. We received some of the sweetest gifts when those close to us heard what had happened. I saw new, sweet, gentle sides of people that I hadn't necessarily seen before. Before I suffered mine, I could list on one hand the people I knew that had suffered their own. I can't do that now. I can't use both hands or my toes, twice over. People come out of the woodwork. They have the sweetest and the most comforting words to say. It makes me so sad that these pains and sorrows aren't to be talked about. I think when we suffer pain this severe, that's when we need comforting the most. I was overwhelmed with the sweetness, the kindness, and the generosity of other people during my time of suffering. And I learned a huge reason why I had to suffer- to learn how to treat others and how to be there for them in their time of need. A few Sundays ago, I was sitting alone in Sunday School when Derek came in after a meeting and took his seat next to me. He leaned into me and told me about how a couple that we hardly even know had suffered a miscarriage just 2 weeks prior. Before mine, I knew miscarriages were sad and heartbreaking, and the words out of my mouth would be "That poor girl. That must be so hard." And I said that exact same thing to Derek right then. And then, as if it were happening to me again, the tears began to flow as I imagined her in the pain I went through. I couldn't stop them, I couldn't stop crying for her. I wanted to find her address, make her the biggest plate of cookies, give her a long hug, and cry with her. The pain is real and it's debilitating. But my Savior was there. And He taught me about myself and my strength. He taught me about my forever family and my temple sealing. He taught me about how much I need the kindness and the support of others. And He taught me that others will need me and they'll need for me to have experienced this.

These sweet gifts still overwhelm me. The statue is of a mother holding her sweet baby. But the thing that touches me most about it is it's name. Each Willow Tree statue has a name printed on the bottom, and on the bottom of this one says "Guardian". My first baby is now our guardian and is constantly watching over us. The plant was given to us by a sweet lady in our ward. She said she was told to plant a seed and water it as a way of remembering her baby and watching something grow. She said since we're in the military, she got us a potted plant that we can move. It was so sweet and I still treasure it so much. The journal was to write all my thoughts and then rip out the pages that were angry, and keep the happy or sad ones. That way I could see that there were angry times and times where I wasn't happy, but to not have to remember the details of those moments. It was sweet and really therapeutic. The book and the card that came with it brought me to tears.

And to my mom and sister that dropped everything as soon as they'd heard and drove 10 straight hours to be with me in the hardest days of my life. I can't thank you enough.

And my sweet sweet husband? Words will never express how much I fell in love with him those first few weeks. I couldn't have done it without him.