... and they take their journey

This has been weighing on my mind quite a bit lately. Journey: n. an act of traveling from one place to another.

In April 2013, I came off of birth control. It was making me crazy and my goal was just to graduate college before starting a family. I was all set to graduate in less than a month, so it felt like the perfect time. We decided we'd just see how things went. I took pregnancy tests all the time. I had no clue about timing or the process our bodies go through. In August, I was getting pretty discouraged and started researching and learning more about my body and the cycle of how it worked. I learned a lot and I knew my cycle like the back of my hand. It was going to happen. And yet... It didn't. Everything I'd read said that most doctors won't help you unless you've been trying for a year. So, in April, feeling completely defeated, I set up our doctors appointments to see what was going on. It was the scariest and most exciting time. All I wanted was for something to be wrong. Sounds weird, but the thought that nothing was wrong terrified me. Turns out something was wrong, but so easily fixable. All it took was a simple week long antibiotic and we found out I was pregnant 2.5 weeks after the first pill. We were ecstatic. I could hardly believe the two pink lines, I'd seen so many with just one. We went to our first appointment and saw the baby's strong healthy heartbeat. Only 4 days later, our journey to get pregnant would start over. I started bleeding heavily, and only hours after seeing a healthy baby on the screen at the ER, we knew my pregnancy was over. I spent a few weeks being super grateful for the spirit that baby brought into our lives and the hope it had given me. I spent those same few weeks agonizing over what my body was doing and how soon we'd be able to get pregnant again. A month passed and my body was not doing what the doctor said it would. Another month passed, and the same. In 4 months time, I'd only had 1 super strange period. I knew something was wrong and I agonozed over it and was becoming so angry. I woke up one night with the thought "you need to go on clomid". I knew hardly anything about clomid except that it gave you multiple babies in one pregnancy. I started researching it and praying about it and finally made the appointment with my OB to see if it was an option. We- Derek and I, plus my sweet mom, prayed that the doctor would be led in the right direction that day. We sat down in the room and I started to explain my cycles and he cut me off and said "alright, we'll give you a medication to make you ovulate." I asked what medication that would be and his response was "Clomid." Derek and I smiled and I knew our prayers had been answered. We couldn't start it right away, and when we did, I was a mess. I had so much hope and I didn't want to be let down. 5 days before my period was to start. I took a test and there were 2 of the faintest lines I'd ever seen. We were ecstatic. But I quickly realized that I hadn't yet experienced the hardest part of my miscarriage. The hardest part came in the first few weeks of my second pregnancy. Each new week was a welcomed milestone, but a milestone that I didn't trust. Seeing a heartbeat was great, but not reassuring. I couldn't get attached to this baby, and even though I was so sick, I forgot I was pregnant most of the time. I'm not sure when the fear went away and I started to bond with this baby, but I thought the day would never come.

We had friends over the course of our infertility struggle that just didn't seem to get it. Or ones that didn't know and would post things that would break my heart. It's hard to explain how it feels unless you've been there. And now, being pregnant, I'm on the other side of things. So many friends are struggling to get pregnant or are suffering loss. And my heart breaks with every single one. And I can't help but feel guilty because I know the feeling all too well. I hate that I could potentially cause more of the pain that I thought was going to break me not that long ago. Sometimes I feel like I paid my infertility time. I did it and it was so hard. And sometimes, I feel so guilty that our fix was such an easy one. It took us 18 months and 2 sets of pills that insurance covered most of. It wasn't expensive, it wasn't THAT long.

I had a breakdown one night. I was feeling so sad for 3 specific friends. I couldn't understand why this had been easier for us than for them. I cried harder than I have in a long time and Derek decided that we should read our scriptures and then pray for them. He was reading in D&C 52 and on any other day I would have thought these few scriptures were some of those that kind of had no purpose. You know, those so and so begat so and so type scriptures. These specific ones listed several people and said "so and so was to take their journey and so and so was to take their journey." As he was reading it, he'd giggle because it was repetitive and kind of funny. And then it hit me. All of those people had to take their own journeys. If they were all going the same place and at the same time, they wouldn't have needed so many verses and to single everybody out.

We all have our own journey. Some get pregnant so easily, but things afterward aren't as easy as they make it look. Some have a much harder and longer time getting pregnant. Some have an expensive journey, some have it so cheap. My journey was HARD for me. I had no idea what I'd done wrong or if I was ever going to have a baby. Heavenly Father knows where we are, what we need, and what we can handle. And our journeys are going to reflect that. He has a journey for each of us and if we walk it with faith, and I'll be honest I didn't akways have faith, we'll make it through our hard journeys and find joy and peace at the end. Our joy and peace may come in different forms than we expect, but it will come.